Perhaps to say that you are special to me is an understatement; with all honesty, I say you occupy that distinct place in my life. Not that I am romantically interested in you, but mainly because you are the one person who had the courage to let me know you are romantically interested in me and I believe you. From among the rest, I know the sincerity of your actions. For that I am grateful and I truly appreciate it.
I remember when we were in high school, where everything began, you gave me a card just before we were about to graduate. That time, you were rumored to be 'involved' with a girl from your class. In my mind for a moment then I thought you 'betrayed' me. How dare you say you are interested in me when in fact there's this other girl? Jealous? Not actually but my concern was that 'Had I been wrong to believe you that it is me whom you like?'. That question was answered a couple of years back, ten years after I asked that to myself. You personally told me there never was you and the girl.
Anyway, that card is probably the most romantic memento I got from high school. I can still remember the words verbatim. It says:
Practiced my lines over and over again,
Trying to make sure that I do not offend
When all I really wanted to say is...
I love you.
P.S. Wait til I show the world how much I really do.
I am not sure why I am remembering this now. Perhaps I am being nostalgic of our younger days. Looking at us now, it's silly to think none of us has ever involved in any romantic relationship. Maybe that answers the why. Does your note to wait still stands? How long do you intend to keep it? Are you yet to show it to the world? To me?
I had the liberty to share our history to a male friend. I wanted to hear how he would receive our story and his thoughts coming from a male perspective. I told him where you are now; what are your activities and where do we stand. We are clearly having friends status: contrary to all the unsuccessful efforts to pursue me when we were younger, now, we casually meet and dine with no further ado. Just as friends do. I told him that you are pursuing 'my dream', as I recall having shared it to you some time back. Remember, I even accused you of such act and you simply smiled. My friend had some interesting conclusions he shared to me after hearing the story. Ready?
He said that after all these years (fifteen to be exact), you still have deep feelings for me. Since you were not able to properly show them when we were younger, being the shy person that you are, you opted to come back as a better man. The mere fact that you pursue 'my' dream spells that. And also, all these years, you never once involved yourself to any romantic relationship. That is a show of loyalty. It was funny how he tried to make me understand this insight. I don't really know if that is the case. He also said that he thinks I have feelings for you. Feelings that I do not give a chance. Well, like I said earlier, it's not romantic in nature but rather because I have always felt honored with your sincere intentions.
I did not tell my friend about the card. I think it will only strengthen his theory. But looking at it now, was that really the case?
Two years ago, before you left to study abroad--and pursue my dream--the day before I flew to the States, you and I went together to our alma mater. We originally planned to visit our friend and see his new business site but it would be too time-consuming that we decided just to go to UP. On the bus terminal, my sister and her friend (who later became her boyfriend) saw us. The first thing her friend told her was that you are interested in me. He has no idea who you were but that single time he saw you he was able to conclude so. My sister and I were so surprised of his comment, perhaps that is something between men as we women claim as instinct. Silly because that time, we are like where we stand today--friends. Was that a hint? Is that an indication that my friend is correct?
More than a year ago you came back for a break and we, your high school friends, had a homecoming party for you. Of course, everyone knows about our history and decided to put us in the hot seat later that night. They asked us the question that bogged their minds from the start: Why had there been no 'us'? As usual they only got a smile for an answer. Then one of our friends asked you: "Isn't she okay for you?" Your prompt reply was: "She's not okay; she's more than okay!" Which I blatantly ignored out of embarrassment. Then they asked me: "What's wrong?" I said that in general, I would not want to put anyone in the cliff being involved in a relationship when I myself is not decided yet whether I will have my own family someday. Maybe it wasn't the best answer in a class reunion as they readily became silent. Then one male friend looked me in the eye and with all sincerity asked me to reconsider that thought.
So, too much recollection of the past here, back to the issue. Now, that triggered the nagging thought in my mind now. When you said wait twelve years ago, up until when did you mean it stands? Do you still expect me to do so? I didn't actually know if you had 'shown the world' what you said before. Somehow you left me something to think about.
Perhaps the question that I should probably ask myself now is, "Am I willing to wait?"
